Note from Ray. This is Shaman’s Harvest, he wrote these columns for theinfamousjcity.com, but JCITY has been offline for many weeks now so Shaman’s Harvest suggested that his interviews could feature on here. Hopefully this will be one of many interviews or any sort of columns that will be published. So here is Shaman’s exclusive interview with the Spanish Announce Table.
My Exclusive Interview with The Spanish Announce Table by Shaman’s Harvest
Disclaimer: This is intended soley for entertainment purposes…wait, I don’t need a disclaimer, I’m interviewing a table! I’m interviewing…a…table…God I need to get laid. Moving on…
Most of my interviews I’ve conducted have be with Superstars (or maily announcers) of my choice because I feel I can take a certain aspect of their personality and make the hilarity of it shine through, but it’s different this time. This interview with The Spanish Announce Table is happening becuase you, The Infamous Crew™ asked for it, see you have a voice.
Out of everyone who’s ever worked for the WWE, no one man, woman, hand, or table has suffered as much abuse and neglect as The Spanish Announce Table. Usually in my interviews I try to exploit people to make them look bad so you lol then tell me how funny I am, but not today…this poor table has suffered so much aggony throughout it’s long and storied career. I want this interview to be a safe place. Now, of course, The Spanish Announce Table’s first language is Spanish, but The Spanish Announce Table has agreed to conduct this interview in English for communication purposes. Let’s allow this table to express himself.
Location: Toronto, Ontraio, Canada
Shaman: Thank you for agreeing to…
SAT (Spanish Announce Table): I know you! I’ve read the crap you pulled with other WWE eployees! So I’m going to say right now I won’t put up with anything! I will NOT be a victim. No funny business.
Shaman: Of course not. You have my word. Please, tell your story.
SAT: My name is is Live Sports Entertainment Table, model #28572847, my father is #18375829, and my mother…well, I never knew my mother.
SAT: Life’s hard being a…
Shaman: Spanish Announce Table?
Shaman: I have a guestion for you.
Shaman: Are you male or female?
SAT: Excuse me?
Shaman: I was just wondering.
SAT: I’m a table, how could have a gender?
Shaman: Well you talk, so I guess anything possible.
SAT: Good point, look under here and check yourself.
Shaman: Well, I’m usually a little too classy for that but I think I know what you are already since I’m a little attr-never mind. Please, Mr. SAT, continue.
SAT: Thank you. I was born in Mexico City, Mexico…right next to Desteené City. I was born with very flimsy support, so I was never adopted by a nice family. Who would want a “special” table anyways? I never had big dreams, I just wanted a normal life, I wanted a family. A mother who reads the paper on me, a father who drinks his morning coffee on me, a daughter who studies for test’s on me, even a son who spills his milk on me every now and again. That’s all I ever wanted, that’s all I ever needed to be happy…but I couldn’t get that becuase of my disability. I was never adopted from the factory, it provided good shelter for a while, but I knew sooner or later I’d be in a land fill. I’d probably be covered in bugs and have raccoons in me, that’s not a life, I was dermined to be more than that.
Shaman: It’s really hot in here, just to let you know, this is sweat, not tears. Please go on.
SAT: So I was determined to make something out of myself…then I seen it. It was stained with coffee and had probably been stuck to the floor for a while, but there is was…an ad…it was from WWE. They were looking for a Spanish Announce Table for their Spanish Announcers to call matches on. I’d never been a big wrestling fan but I have heard other consession stand tables talk about how exciting it was, and I thought, you know, this is my chance. So I sent in my résumé and waited 5 weeks for a response.
Shaman: That must have been a very nerve racking time.
SAT: You wouldn’t believe it, it was either I got the job, or I went to the junk yard. I can’t even describe what I felt during that time…honestly I don’t remeber. Umm…(cries) one moment please.
Shaman: Of course.
SAT: Umm…so, yeah, eventually WWE did respond, I couldn’t believe how nervous I was, I had to have someone else open it for me…and you know what it said? It said I got the job! I got the job! I was so happy, my entire life was about to change forever…but little did I know, it would be for the worst.
SAT: So there I was, I’d saved up for months and I finally could afford a ticket to Stamford to sit down with Vince…he ran through the job description, the basics, be on time, show up every week, be perpared to be on camera for ppv’s, hold tv monitors, drinks, papers, elbows…you know, what tables do. But you know what he didn’t include? Do you know what he didn’t tell me? Do you? DO YOU!
Shaman: Please, let’s just…
SAT: I’LL TELL YOU WHAT VINCE DIDN’T TELL ME! He didn’t tell me I’d be destroyed on a monthly, sometimes weekly, basis! He didn’t tell me I had to get my back broken to entertain people! (Cries).
Shaman: I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
SAT: You know, the first time it happened…(cries)…I was enjoying the ppv, then all of a sudden the Superstars get a little to close…these are big people, it worried me. Then…then the announcers got up, they started taking their papers off me, I asked what they were doing…but they didn’t respond, they ran, they looked scared…no one told me what was going on. (Cries) The wrestlers took the monitors off me…they…they got on top of me. Do you know how heavy they are? They…they hurt my back so much, I begged them to get off…but they didn’t listen, they didn’t listen! Then…then, one guy picked up the other (starts balling) AND HE SLAMMED THEM THROUGH ME! THEY BROKE MY BACK! (whimpers) They broke my back…I was so scared, I couldn’t move, the wrestlers were still on top of me. I did all I could…Scream! I screamed and I cried for help…thousands of people in the audience, they could have helped…they could have done something..but all
they did was scream ‘holy shit!’ I layed screaming with a broken back, and all they did was take pictures. What’s wrong with people? When did we stop caring about one-another? When did a picture become more important than someones livelyhood? (Cries) Then some EMT’s started to hurry down…I though…I thought they would help me, but they didn’t! They didn’t do anything. The EMT’s checked on the two guys who broke my back, but ignored me like I didn’t exist, all they did was dig their Knee’s into my back, hurting it even more, as I screamed..no, begged for help. They didn’t help me! Oh God no one helped me. They took the other two guys, but left me to die on the ground, and continued the show. I screamed and cried, but they continued the show and ignored me.
Shaman: Oh my God! Seriously, oh my freaking God! What is wrong with us! How could we just ignore you? How could we be so insensitive? What did you do after? Did you talk to Vince?
SAT: Of course I did! After the show I was finally taken away and had back surgery done to repair me, right after that I went to Vince’s office and tried to quit…he said I couldn’t, I signed a legal contract…a 10 year contract. I tried to reason with him! I couldn’t handle being punished and not cared about for 10 years…but I had no choice, I didn’t read the fine print. So for years and years, on a monthly basis, I’d go into ppv’s fearful of my life…it would never fail, it would never freaking fail; every ppv’s two wrestlers would slam eachother through me, every month more painful and more terrifying than the last. My dream became a nightmare. Why do they hate me? Are they racist? Do you have any idea what it’s like to sit their helpless while the fans chat ‘Spanish Table! Spanish Table! Spanish Table! Spanish Ta…..(cries)
Shaman: I can see you’re a broken Table, no pun intented. I’m sorry you’ve went through all this, I’m sorry no one cared, I’m sorry no one took the time to care. I don’t want to have to make you rehash anymore old memories. SAT…if one good thing comes out of this is that now…people know, people know what you’ve went through and I promise you it will never happen again.
SAT: No it won’t, and let me tell you why. I’ve had surgery 126 times…i’ve to be repaired from a lifeless state 126 times. Last time..last time the doctor told me this will be the last time, he told me if I get broken one more time, that’s it, I’m dead.
Shaman: Oh God.
SAT: That’s why I agreed to this interview, so this never happens again. I’m officially announcing my retirement from World Wrestling Entertainment.
Shaman: Oh, wow. Good for you.
SAT: No more pain, no more tears, it’s all over. I’m enjoying me retirement in peace.
Shaman: Well, thank you for doing this with me. I hope this helped you fine inner peace. Happy….
Just as I was about to rap up this interview, a car errupted through the wall with the force of an earthquake. Inside that car? A man who drove with the top down, roling like thunder always drawing a crowd. Both me and SAT were shaken up, the radio was turned off and out emerged Long Island Iced Z, Zack Ryder.
Zack: Shaman’s Harvest?
Shaman: Oh shit!
Zack: July 6, 2011. That day mean anything to ya, bro? On July 6 you called me up and you insulted me. Shaman, you said anyone could do what I do, you said Z True Long Island Story was just a silly video, you said that Tony Chimel could make videos and be just as popular as me. I hold grudges, broski. I told you I would get ya. You hurt my feelings, so I’m going to hurt your face.
Shaman: Zack, no!
Ryder quicky spiked his hair, put up the L.I. hand symbol, then charged towards me, he jumped above me and slammed his leg down on my neck, forcing me downwards. Zack gave me a Rough Ryder……through the Spanish Announce Table.
SAT: Ouuuuuu! Oh fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Oh God! Oh God! Help me! Help! Please help!
Zack: You can consider us even now, Broski. Now, like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, go back and watch all the other episodes, buy the t-shrit…and the headband…and the new Broski sunglasses, and take care, spike your hair. Woo Woo Woo…(throws his sunglasses at me) you know it.
Zack got back into his car, blasted the radio and drove away, and stole a few girlfriends on the way home.
I laid there ontop of the Spanish Announce Table in pain, the back of my head was bleeding a bit as I got up. I surveyed the damage the man with the tan who gets hotter girls than you can did, it looked bad..then I noticed it. I was standing on the dead corps on the once pround Spanish Announce Table.
Shaman: Spanish Announce Table? Oh God! Spanish Announce Table! No! No! No! No….no…no…(cries). This is how it ends? This is how it ends? He deserved better from everyone! Oh God…He was a tortured soul, he deserved better….At least now he can rest in peace. Goodbye Spanish Announce Table. We’ll never forget you.
I gathered my things and left the building. I took off into the sun, on a beautiful day, to continue my life. Inside of the building, out in the darkness, laid the crops of a table who helped create and be apart of some of the greatest matches in WWE history. A sure fired first ballot Hall of Famer, the one and only, Spanish Announce Table.
SAT: Hello? Hello! Shaman, I’m alive! Shaman? Shaman! Where the hell did you go? I need help! I’m broken again! It hurts. Help! Help! Help! Fucking Shaman, you learnt nothing from this entire interview! I hate you! I hate all you people! You’re all a bunch of racist table haters! One day tables will have right’s and ohhhhh you’ll all be sorry! You’re all be sorry!
In Memory of The Spanish Announce Table (with some cameo’s from the English Announce Table!)
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