Welcome to A RAW Opinion. We are one day removed from the Royal Rumble. Anyone who has been following this column, and seeing what I’ve said about Hollywood Dwayne Johnson can probably figure, I’m in a very foul mood today after the disgrace that was him becoming the WWE Champion last night at the Royal Rumble.
We start the show off with Vickie Guerrero backstage spinning a wheel, she says that tonight Antonio Cesaro will take on Randy Orton in a special guest referee match.
CM Punk comes out IRATE. He says he never lost and that he is the new peoples champion. He did not lose last night. Punk said he got screwed last night. Vince comes out and Punk goes ballistic on him. Vince says he has proof that CM Punk and Paul Heyman were working with The Shield. Heyman attempts to speak but Vince says that tonight, Heyman is going to get a performance review which may effect his contract.
Randy Orton VS Antonio Cesaro is the first match. The special guest referee is, surprise, surprise, The Miz! Randy Orton gets the win after Cesaro turned his attention to Miz. No surprise there. After the match, Miz picked Cesaro up and hit the Skull Crushing Finale.
Ryback spins the wheel and gets an option called “Make me laugh” Yeah this can’t be awful.
Prime Time Players are in the ring with Ryback, Prime Time Players tell a stupid joke and then Ryback attacks them. Stupid.
Wade Barrett is in the ring, he gets to pick his own opponent. He chooses Bo Dallas! Bo Dallas gets the huge upset! Pretty good to see even if it was almost predictable.
Vickie is spinning the wheel, Cody Rhodes takes on John Cena next.
John Cena VS Cody Rhodes. Cena wins, predictable. Cody tried to leave the match but Cena brought him back in, 5 moves of doom, Cody jobs yet again. Cena cuts a promo saying he now has a choice to make on who to challenge for the WWE Title. Cena goes through the history he has with both CM Punk and Dwayne. John Cena then makes it official, he is challenging the WWE Champion. The Shield interrupts! They rush the ring and attack Cena. Sheamus comes out next and gets attacked as well, Ryback comes to the ring next and cleans house. They grab Rybacks leg and pull him outside, throwing him into the steel stairs. Cena gets back up and attacks them but gets beaten down again.
Another spin of the whee, lingerie pillow fight involving Tensai and Brodus Clay, because he wasn’t a joke before. Vickie lets them spin again, It’s a dance off. Great… Brodus Dances, Tensai disrobes and is in lingerie, Ron Simmons says Damn.
Vickie Guerrero spins the wheel, Alberto Del Rio is in a body slam challenge against Big Show.
Body Slam Challenge next. Big Show goes right after Del Rio, delivering the KO punch, Big Show has duct tape and tapes Del Rio to the middle rope. Ricardo tries to cover Del Rio but Big Show goes after him. Big Show beats on Ricardo as Del Rio has to watch. Big Show laid out Ricardo with the WMD punch before giving one to Del Rio.
A Las Vegas Showgirls lumberjill match, the divas surround the ring dressed as Las Vegas showgirls. Tamina VS Kaitlyn. Stupid, turned into a huge brawl, no winner.
And now Dwayne comes and graces us with his presence. CM Punk interrupts and owns Dwayne. Punk says he’s still the champ and he’ll grant a rematch to Dwayne in 3 weeks. The challenge is accepted. CM Punk defends the WWE title he never lost against Dwayne Johnson.
Sheamus VS Damien Sandow in a tables match. Damien loses, Team Rhodes Scholars buried AGAIN this week. I guess the tag division doesn’t matter again.
Zack Ryder VS Great Khali in a karaoke challenge. Khali does a horrible version of HBK’s song and 3MB interrupts, Khali attacks Drew, Ryder hits a Rough Ryder on Jinder and Khali takes out Slater, Hornswoggle then hits a frog splash on Slater.
Chris Jericho is out next, He talked about his return at Royal Rumble, Dolph Ziggler interrupts him and asks what he’s doing there, he beat him and ended his career last summer. Vickie says he hired him, she spins the wheel, Jericho and Ziggler will be teaming up against Team Hell No. Team Hell No get the win after Jericho slapped Kane in the back of the head and left the ring, Kane turned around and thought it was Ziggler, Kane chokeslams Ziggler for the win.
Another WWE Hall Of Fame inductee, Trish Stratus.
Paul Heymans performance review is next. Vince is in the ring and calls out Heyman. Heyman denies having anything to do with Brad Maddox or The Shield, Vince asked if Heymans ever lied. Vince shows footage of Heyman actually coming out and saying he paid both Maddox AND The Shield to help Punk. Heyman says that wasn’t him and it was an impersonator. Vince was about to fire Heyman until… HERE COMES THE PAIN! Lesnar gets in the ring, Vince tells him he better think about this and not do something he’ll regret, Heyman going crazy in the corner begging Vince to just leave, Lesnar hits the F5 on Vince! Heyman selling it like crazy as the show ends.
Aside from a few things, not a great show. 2/5. I know it was Raw Roulette, but this was way to gimmicky.