Monday Night Raw
March 11, 2013
-We open with an awesome video tribute to Paul Bearer, as he died the day after Raw last week.
-Then right out of the gate the bell tolls, and the man Paul Bearer helped make into one of the greatest of all time comes down the ramp. April 7 he will defend his 20-0 Wrestlemania record against someone I think can legitimately beat him. In the ring is a stool covered in velvet, with an urn on it. This is giving me chills. The Paul Bearer memory screen comes up on the Titantron, and then it’s cut off…by right now the most awesome heel on the roster, CM Punk. This guy knows how to piss you off. Punk says everyone is misunderstanding the situation. He gives his condolences to Undertaker for his loss…at Wrestlemania. God this is incredible. He says to Paul Bearer, you will always be 20-0. To everyone else, you will be 20-1. The Raw after Wrestlemania will have a video tribute to him…beating the streak. There are loud “CM PUNK” chants right now. Taker and Punk glare at each other.
-During commercial on WWE Active, CM Punk came back out to piss people off, but then Kane came out and almost chokeslammed him off the stage but Punk escaped. Then he went back into the locker room and chucked some stiff over a table. Nice continuity there, as Kane was Paul Bearer’s “son”.
MATCH: Big Show vs. Seth Rollins
-For the first time a Shield member will wrestle solo. Big Show is mangling all 3 of them, but then when Show goes outside the trio attacks and the bell rings ending the match in a DQ. Eventually Show cleans house and is alone with Ambrose in the ring. He chucks him to the ground and is about to chokeslam Rollins when Reigns spears him. Eventually they get Show up and hit the big power bomb. These guys are a working machine right now.
-Backstage Punk is pissed that Kane attacked him, but GM Vickie Guerrero is pissed and Kane gets CM Punk tonight in a no-DQ match.
-We have what looks like some great moments in Paul Bearer history. This one is from February 16, 1991 when Paul Bearer was introduced on Superstars.
MATCH: Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler
-This stems from Friday night on Smackdown when she goofed with AJ after Ricardo Rodriguez threw water on her. These two work well together as both guys sell each other’s moves very well. Great moment when Dolph was outside the ring and Bryan was going for a move but Big E Langston steps in front of him. They go back and forth and then Ziggler reverses a superplex in mid-air into a cross body but Bryan kicks out. Early candidate for TV match of the week here. Ziggler hit the Fame-asser but Bryan kicked out. Bryan goes for the No Lock a couple of times but some heel work outside saved Zigger a couple times. Ziggler reverses the No Lock into the Zig Zag for the win. Really solid match.
-After the match Big E Langston hits his stomachbreaker-type move on Bryan.
-We have a video package recapping the feud between Triple H and Brock Lesnar.
MATCH: Tensai vs. Fandango
-Tensai wants to fight, but again Fandango won’t come out until his name is said right and this time he tells Tensai he ruins dancing as well. He wants Naomi to say his name right. Tensai’s getting pissed and Fandango leaves again.
-We get an exclusive look at GI Joe: Retaliation.
-Our next Paul Bearer moment is from Wrestlemania XX at the Garden, when the Deadman returned. I was there live and it was incredible.
MATCH: Team Rhodes Scholars vs. New Age Outlaws
-SILENCE! Team Rhodes Scholars does a funny parody of the NAO’s entrance. Sorry, but my favorite team of the Attitude Era gets it right every time. However it’s just not the same without all the pot smoking references from the late 1990’s. Two tears in a bucket and all that jazz. About a minute into the match, Brock Lesnar comes down the ramp and beats down Triple H’s friends the NAO. He hits Billy with an F5. The Road Dogg gets one next. Paul Heyman yaps but in the end he accepts Triple H’s challenge, if he can name the stipulations. They won’t name the stipulations until Triple H signs the Wrestlemania contract. Paul says Triple H doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, does he?
MATCH: Kofi Kingston vs. Mark Henry
-Wow poor Kofi. He’s become fodder. Oh well. He tries to fight, but its useless. He gets one top rope move off, but eventually Henry catches a top rope Kofi and crushes him with the WSS.
-Backstage Cody Rhodes is trying to ask Kaitlyn out but Damien Sandow cuts him off and says he has more suitable women for them. The Bellas! Ugh. Vickie cuts them off and says since their match was cut short, they’ll get another match later against Sheamus and Randy Orton. Ugh, more senseless jobbing. At least we may be seeing the beginnings of a Cody Rhodes face turn.
MATCH: Ryback vs. Heath Slater
-Another quickie here. Ryback crushes him. Drew McIntyre also eats Shell Shock.
-From here Mark Henry comes back in the ring. Yes, this is what I’ve been waiting for. Now the one-upsmanship continues as they each start dropping finishers on Drew McIntyre. BOOK THIS MATCH DAMMIT!!
-We get a trailer for The Call. Now Halle Berry is getting sucked into these awful WWE Movies.
MATCH: Antonio Cesaro vs. Alberto Del Rio
-Ok, I’m getting so friggin sick of this. More secondary title jobbing. These bookers are just short-sighted buffoons. They think these “champion vs. champion” matches actually do anything for anybody. Only if A) Both titles were on the line, or B) The secondary guy actually has a chance to win. The match is pretty good and I will say at least Del Rio is on wrestling every week, since that WWE Champion isn’t doing shit. Cesaro cracked Del Rio with an uppercut while the champ was in mid air. But, as usual the US Champ taps out to the arm breaker. The creative side of this company is a bunch of overpaid lazy slackers.
-Josh Matthews is with Kane, who is holding the urn. Then he walks away.
-Our next Paul Bearer moment is from 1997 when he started the Taker/Kane feud.
-We get a cheesy promo pumping up Rock/Cena, because neither can be bothered with being here.
MATCH: Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
-Great, another chance to see two more solid mid-card heels get senselessly jobbed out. Unless the Shield come out. The match is more back and forth than I thought it would be. Orton hits a big time superplex on Rhodes. I’ll admit this is a much better match that I thought it would be. Another TV match of the week candidate. However, a quick Brogue kick later and the main eventers (without Wrestlemania matches incidentally) win over good mid-carders again.
-During commercial The Shield attacked Orton/Sheamus. JUST BOOK THE DAMN MATCH! What is wrong with this company? They’re treating Wrestlemania like just another PPV. This card should be finished already.
-I’m upset that WWE won’t call Paul Bearer by his real name. He’s dead, you idiots it’s ok to call him by his real name too. Impact did it last Thursday.
-Time for the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho! Y2J was touring Australia with Fozzy the past few weeks which is why he was off. We get a clip of Marine 3: Homefront and our first guest is The Miz. They’re about to chat, but Wade Barrett comes out to show a clip of Dead Man Down. So after feuding with one secondary champion, Miz is going to feud with the other one? We get a “REALLY” war until Miz says that Barrett hasn’t won a match in weeks! Miz, don’t break the 4th wall and admit the booking sucks. Incidentally this entire segment kinda sucks. Miz challenges Jericho, and Y2J reminds him that he helped Barrett won the first NXT title. This is interrupted by Brad Maddox, who I used to like until he was on Smackdown for like 90 minutes Friday. Cole admits that this may be the worst segment in Raw history, and for once I agree with everybody.
MATCH: The Miz vs. Chris Jericho
-The winner of this match will get an IC Title shot next week. Not a bad match, as Jericho eventually get the Walls turned over, but Miz makes it to the bottom rope. Jericho throws Miz into Barrett’s lap who was helping on commentary. Barrett gets involved and the match ends on a DQ. So I guess a Triple Threat next week?
-Barrett gets hit with both Skull Crushing Finale and a Codebreaker.
-We see the Colter/Swagger parody by Del Rio and Ricardo Rodrigez from Friday night.
-Another Paul Bearer moment, this one from Wrestlemania XI when Yokozuna was missing. Of course he would come out later in the night and he and Owen Hart would win the World Tag straps.
MATCH: Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger
-Zeb isn’t in a good mood and he cuts his usual jargon with Sin Cara as he is Mexican. He blames the fans for enabling the immigration problem. Sin Cara gets his shots in but Swagger takes control, works the leg over and cranks the Patriot Lock for the victory.
-Swagger won’t let go of the move which brings Alberto Del Rio out. They brawl in the ring for a bit before Swagger bugs out.
-We get more on The Call, and a gag with Halle Berry, David Otunga and Kane.
-Friday night on Smackdown, it will be Ryback vs. Mark Henry. This will obviously not happen as it will be at Wrestlemania. Well that’s what is should be, although with this booking team of idiots I doubt anything will be done right.
NO DISQUALIFICATION: Kane vs. CM Punk
-Kane comes out with the urn. Punk planchas through the ropes during Kane’s intro to start the match. This match started after 11pm. Just a fact I’m stating. It’s been a typical TV match with both guys getting their shots in, but the No DQ stipulation won’t mean much of anything here. Punk DDT’s Kane on a chair, and was about to hit the GTS when Taker’s bells go off, distracting Punk enough for Kane to hit a chokeslam and get the upset victory. I’m actually stunned. Taker and Kane have a moment with the Paul Bearer memory screen. However CM Punk cracks Kane with the urn. He belts Kane a few times, until Taker hits the ring and then he leaves. He mocks the Undertaker’s stance with the eyes rolled back. With that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: This show has no business being 3 hours. More garbage booking and no more matches being booked for Wrestlemania. No Rock…No Cena. I’m fine with that since the build to that can essentially happen without them. Otherwise, WE NEED MATCHES FOR WRESTLEMANIA. Ridiculous.
Scott’s Raw Top 5:
1) The Rock
2) John Cena
3) Wade Barrett
4) Team Hell No
5) CM Punk