Segment 1. Ryback in-ring promo. Ryback vs. Daniel Bryan, Part One.

  • The boos for Ryback seem fabricated.
  • Ryback’s character is so much cooler than Cena’s.  If this were the Attitude Era, the roles would definitely be reversed.
  • All Bryan did during the first half of this match was kick Ryback in the thigh.

Last Word:  FAIL!

Segment 2.  Ryback pins Bryan clean following Shell Shock.  Replay of the “Managers’ Match” from Raw between Ricardo Rodriguez, Zeb Coulter & Big E Langston, Ricardo’s win, and Alberto Del Rio’s choosing a Ladder Match as the stipulation for the Triple Threat World Heavyweight Championship Match at Extreme Rules.

  • Is it “Rules” or “Rulez”?  More importantly, is it “I don’t give a fuck” or “I don’t give a shit“?
  • The second half of Ryback – Bryan was better than the first.  My question is, how is Ryback beating Daniel Bryan, the guy who EVERYONE beats, impressive?  You know what would’ve been impressive?  If Ryback had beaten Mark Henry at WrestleMania.
  • So the guy with the great look, catchphrases, and moves that fans can actually chant along with is the heel.  That only makes sense in the current Bizarro WWE, where the bad guys are dressed up as good guys and the good guys who all look cooler, sound cooler, and act cooler, are supposed to get booed.

Last Word:  FAIL!

Segment 3.  Fandango pins Zack Ryder clean following the top rope legdrop.  Divas Champion Kaitlyn backstage with roses and a text from a secret admirer, gets “advice” from Natalya & Khali.

  • WWE doing its damndest to make “Fandangoing” the uncoolest thing that anyone has ever done.
  • The match was fine and the right guy won impressively.
  • Kaitlyn continues to grow on me (or me on her? – see what I did there?).  She’s adorable when just being herself, the unassuming, nerdy, girl next door.  And it doesn’t hurt that she’s hot as molten fuck.
  • Natalya, while adorable in her own right, is starting to become increasingly annoying.  It’s like Khali’s evil Hindu spirit is someone possessing her body and not only robbing her of all relevance, but also, of her ability to speak.  It was like she was suddenly endowed with Khali’s immovable jaw and could barely get her words out!
  • I realize WWE isn’t for me.  It’s for my eleven year-old nephew.  But seriously, even he has to have a hard time sitting through this shit.
  • I give this segment a win, only because Fandango looked impressive while continuing to sell the gimmick, and Kaitlyn getting some screen time in a role that suits her well.

Last Word:  WIN!

Segment 4.  Replay from Raw of John Cena’s do-gooding for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.  Renee Young interviews Zeb Coulter backstage.  Ricardo Rodriguez’s ring entrance.

  • I know we all hate Cena’s character, but he truly does a lot of good for a lot of kids and that’s nothing but admirable.
  • It’s fantastic PR for WWE to shine the spotlight on their charity work.
  • Zeb Coulter may be the only heel in WWE right now drawing legitimate heat.  His promo was old-school  excellence.  The proof?  My fourteen year-old daughter started arguing with the TV.  He got her!  It was truly a thing of beauty!
  • Ricardo Rodriguez is much more likeable than ADR in my opinion.  I almost wish he was the wrestler and ADR was the ring announcer.

Last Word:  WIN!

Segment 5.  Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Zeb Coulter ends when Jack Swagger and ADR get involved.  Teddy Long makes it a tag team match.  World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler on commentary with AJ & Big E Langston.

  • This “rematch” from Raw’s “Manager’s Match” was a complete joke of a physical encounter.  But I actually don’t mind the occasional gimmick match like this.  Zeb built up the reason for it nicely with his promo and like I said, you can’t help but like Ricardo.
  • Can we please stop calling Big E Dolph’s “heavy?”  When did this become GoodFellas?

Last Word:  WIN!

Segment 6.  Del Rio & Ricardo vs. Swagger & Coulter ends when Ziggler & Langston get involved.  Teddy Long makes it a Triple Threat tag team match.  Ziggler taps to ADR’s cross arm breaker.  The Shield beat up Daniel Bryan backstage and cut a promo on Kane.

  • I liked Dolph and Big E jumping both Swagger and Del Rio.
  • I didn’t like Teddy Long making it a Triple Threat tag match because I knew it was going to end up with Champion losing all of the heat he had just gained.
  • Aaaaannd…sure enough, Big E dominates whenever he’s in the ring, and the World Heavyweight Champion tags in and immediately loses the advantage.
  • Of course, of course, OF COURSE…Ziggler is the one who eats the loss!
  • I personally would have rather seen AJ in the role of Dolph’s manager rather than Langston.  It would’ve added a nice twist to see her compete against Ricardo and Zeb first of all.  And second, any excuse to see that little firecracker moving and bending in the ring, is a good one.
  • The Shield’s promos are progressively become less and less meaningful.  When they first appeared on the scene a lot of what they said made sense when it was directed at John Cena, The Rock, and even Ryback.  The injustice that they should be targeting the Undertaker for is how he wrestles once a year and beats younger guys who he should be putting over.  But of course, they can’t come out and say that or else they would probably get cheered.  So they have to speak in generalities that don’t mean shit which results in the entire concept of The Shield not meaning shit.  All they have left going for them is the good matches they’re having.  So they’ve become just three wrestlers having matches.  Potentially interesting concept deleted.

Last Word:  FAIL!

Segment 7.  Randy Orton vs. Damian Sandow, Part One.

  • Sandow is the only heel other than Zeb Coulter capable of drawing legitimate heel heat, but they didn’t even have him cut his usual pre-match promo.  That alone is enough to earn this segment a fail!

Last Word:  FAIL!

Segment 8.  Orton pins Sandow clean following the RKO.  Big Show distracts Randy and Sandow attacks.  Kane cuts a weak promo on the Shield.

  • The match was boring and a little sloppy.  Sandow especially looked like he was just going through the motions.
  • For all the shit Randy gets from internet fans, crowds pop like crazy for the RKO.  It’s still a cool move.
  • Sandow was able to get a little heat back for his sneak attack on Orton.
  • Big Show may be the best guy on the mic WWE has right now.  His deliver is spot on and always with conviction.  He and Orton have both been around for so long, I’m sure even he has to realize that a feud between them is nothing more than Creative throwing them a bone just to keep them both busy and on TV.  But he’s certainly doing his part to sell it.
  • By contrast, Kane suddenly caring about Daniel Bryan and Undertaker just doesn’t fit his character at all.  He tried to sell tonight’s main event between himself and Dean Ambrose but it just didn’t come off convincingly at all.

Last Word:  WIN!

Segment 9.  Mark Henry defeats Sheamus clean in an arm wrestling contest.  Sheamus challenges Henry to a rematch left-handed, then attacks.  Replay of the Shield’s attack on Undertaker from Raw two weeks ago.

  • My fourteen year-old daughter once again proves to be smarter than WWE Creative when she asks, “Shouldn’t it be Ryback against Mark Henry?”  Yep!
  • Sheamus with yet another cheap shot as soon as he and Henry lock up for the left-handed rematch….and the crowd goes wild!  I don’t understand how fans can cheer for something like that.  Afterwards, Sheamus looks down at his victim and says, “That’s what I do, fella!”  Apparently.

Last Word:  FAIL!

Segment 10.  Main Event:  Dean Ambrose vs. Kane, Part One.

  • Roman Reigns comes to ringside holding Daniel Bryan’s tag team title belt.
  • Shortly after the opening bell, Kane attacks the other two Shield members on the floor and actually throws Reigns over the announcers’ table and into Michael Cole!  This was possibly the high point of the show.
  • Kane is really starting to show his age in the ring.  The way he was moving just looked like he got old overnight.

Last Word:  FAIL!

Segment 11.  Dean Ambrose pins Kane following a bulldog driver(?).  The Shield attack and deliver a triple powerbomb.

  • For all the adoration heaped upon Ambrose, he effectively put me to sleep with during this match.
  • But he and the Shield continue their winning ways.
  • Kane saved a little face by inviting all three members into the ring after the pin with a smile.
  • The goofy camerawork when the Shield attack somebody needs to fucking stop.
  • After the triple powerbomb, The Shield leave with both tag title belts.

Last Word:  FAIL!

THE FINAL VERDICT:  This week’s episode of WWE Smackdown was a FAIL!

POINTS OF PRAISE

  1. Likeable Characters Get Some Love –   I failed to mention it, but Ricardo had a pre-match interview backstage during which he was so excited that he planted a kiss on Renee Young.  Then he has the nerve to wear Zubaz to the ring!  It’s hard not to like this guy.  And Kaitlyn getting to show her personality a little was a definite plus as well.

CHIEF COMPLAINTS

  1. #heelstrong? – Why are Mark Henry and Big Show the only heels in the company booked strong?  Is it strictly longevity?  I thought the veterans were supposed to put over the younger guys on their way out to pasture.  When did the roles get reversed?
  2. Bizarro Babyfaces – John Cena, the smug prick who invites the fans to boo him, wrestles like shit most of the time yet always wins, and dresses like a ten year-old boy.  Sheamus, the amateur comedian who claims to be a tough fighting Irishman yet can’t ever seem to get an advantage over anyone without sucker punching them.  And these are the guys I’m supposed to cheer for?

This week’s show probably benefitted a little from the fact that I didn’t watch last week’s or the last two episodes of Raw so I was less likely to get frustrated over seeing the same matches for the third or fourth time.  However, I saw enough of the same results I’ve been seeing for MONTHS.  Orton going over young talent, and “champions” Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler once again doing the job.  Again, I realize WWE isn’t catering to my interests, but even the ten year-old fan in me can tell that something is severely lacking.  My fourteen year-old daughter certainly could.

That’s it for now.  This crap product has taken up enough of my time.  But hopefully I’ve made it entertaining enough that you don’t feel robbed of the time it took you to read about it.  Leave me some feedback by posting a comment below and let’s get a discussion going.  Until next time, that’s The Last Word.

[Follow “Handsome” Dan Lopez on Twitter, @DansLastWord, and check out his personal blog page, “Handsome” Dan’s Last Word]