Monday Night Raw
May 6, 2013
-After a video piece previewing tonight, we’re joined by the WWE Champion John Cena. I will admit, I like the navy blue hat, but that t-shirt with the arrow pointing to the belt on the shirt? Ugh. He’s moving a little better than he did last week. Dammit I don’t want to admit that belt is growing on me. Cena senses unrest in the WWE Universe. He says everyone has questions. He does a self question and answer pertaining to his ankle, Ryback, and his title match in 2 weeks. Dammit, more annoying promos. This is terrible. Why is he mentioning Betty White? He says he hasn’t been 100% since 2002 but it doesn’t stop him from defending the title. THE CHAMP IS…interrupted by Raw managing supervisor Vickie Guerrero. Why is she still here? GO AWAY. This PPV isn’t ordinary, it’s extreme. She goes over all the matches on the PPV, and then she brings out Ryback. They are both in the ring, and Vickie asks Cena what stipulation he wants in the match. Cena wants to be fair, and he throws digs at Ryback about whining and walking out of matches. More stupid jokes about movies and other junk. Vickie’s accent is so thick this week she’s skipping words. Ryback gets the mike and says not picking the stipulation is stupid. Cena says his pride and his ego is his real Achilles Heel. In the end, Ryback rules. This promo sucks. Ryback picks…Last Man Standing. Wow, we’ve only used that stipulation about 45 times in the past 3 years. Zzzzzzzzzz….
-According to the official WWE Twitter handle, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman went to the WWE Headquarters in Stamford. We’ll get footage throughout the night.
MATCH: Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow
-This is a rematch from Friday, when Orton won. Sandow took liberties after Big Show came out and distracted him. SILENCE! Sandow sings, and mocks Orton’s entrance theme song. Orton doing the Garvin Stomp for the first time in a while. Once again, Orton was in control before the break, Sandow after the break. All so you can use that App to watch during commercial. So predictable. These guys are gaining some chemistry with every time they’ve met in the ring. Orton wins with the RKO. Why couldn’t Sandow win Friday then? Because Orton has to win every TV match he’s ever in.
-As Orton came up the ramp and the camera was on the announcers, Big Show came out and laid Orton out with a right hand.
MATCH: Fandango vs. R-Truth
-Chris Jericho comes out and welcomes us to RAW IS…Chris I wouldn’t admit this is your show. Fan-Dumbo is coming out. So Jericho put together a judges’ panel to critique Fan-(insert funny words here). It will be Jericho and Tons of Funk. Fandango’s Titantron is the words to the song. He’s a heel, but the crowd is still Fan-Dangoing. He dances and the judges give him 1’s and 2’s. Fandango jabs Jericho with a “Dancing with the Stars” line. R-Truth does a couple moves and the judges gave him 10’s. Fandango is pissed and leaves, giving R-Truth the countout win.
-We get more pictures of Brock and Heyman in WWE’s offices.
-We go back to Friday night when Ryback defeated Daniel Bryan, then Bryan getting beat down by the Shield.
-Josh is with Daniel Bryan, who says he’s ok. He says the Shield talk about Justice, but no one is buying it. Bryan is challenging Ryback to a rematch from Friday. Ryback says no because he’s cutting Bryan some slack since he’s hurt. Ryback says he’s half the man he is. Kane comes out and asks Ryback if they’re equal. Ryback says Kane’s not the monster he used to be.
MATCH: Albeto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler
-I think Ziggler wins this match because Del Rio won Friday in the tag match and in this WWE no one (except Orton) wins two weeks in a row. Dammit I hate when Ziggler wears the belt backwards. Show some respect for the title dickwad. These guys have met so many times on free TV they can never really be on PPV can they? The match isn’t bad, until Jack Swagger comes down the ramp with Zeb Colter and his new plaid vest. Zeb joins the broadcast table when we return from break. These two meeting on Raw, although solid, is really stupid. If they want buyrates on PPV, you can’t give this away now. What is wrong with this company? Zeb says Del Rio has experience with ladders so that’s why he picked the stipulation. That’s funny. Zeb rips Cinco De Mayo because it’s some silly holiday involving the French. Del Rio hit a nice reverse superplex off the second rope. Del Rio cranks the arm bar but AJ gets involved, which gives Big E a chance to pull del Rio out of the ring and throw him into Swagger, causing the DQ. Swagger is pissed and grabs a ladder from under the ring and starts beating everyone down with it.
-We go back to earlier in the night and that hideous opening promo. To repeat, the Cena/Ryback match at Extreme Rules is Last Man Standing. Zzzzzzzz.
-We get more pictures from Stamford, when Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman invaded the WWE Headquarters and went up to the Corporate Offices.
-We get a piece on the huge partnership between WWE and Yahoo. That’s another sign the Network is dead.
-Backstage with Kaitlyn and the Funkadactyls. They’re talking about the Divas Champion’s secret admirer. Natalya wants Khali to go into the Locker Room to find the admirer. They all walk away and the Bellas do what they do best: Absolutely nothing.
MATCH: The Shield vs. Kofi Kingston & the Usos
-We get clips from Friday when the Hounds of Justice took Kane out. This is a good chance for the Shield to pick up an easy win. This show has been dreadfully boring tonight. Shield dominant early, but one of the Usos hits a Samoan Drop to get back into it. Kofi gets the hot tag and the big comeback. The match gets chaotic late, but with some Seth Rollins interference, Ambrose pins Kofi with what looks like a bulldog without running. Any reason why Kofi, fresh US Champion had to eat the pin? This company has gotten so retarded.
-We get more still shots of Brock and Heyman at WWE Headquarters. We’ll get a full report from Heyman later tonight.
-Wednesday night on Main Event, its Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro. For like the 54th time on Main Event. God I hate this. Creative needs to be completely fired. All of them.
MATCH: Antonio Cesaro vs. Zack Ryder
-So Cesaro will win this match, and then eat the pin against Randy Orton Wednesday. I’m totally not looking forward to this show at all. We get highlights of last week’s great Cesaro/Kofi match, and Cesaro’s post-match beatdown, complete with the pulling out of the dreadlocks. Cesaro wins with the Neutralizer. Congrats, but you’ll be looking at the lights Wednesday.
-Cesaro grabs the mike and complains about the competition. He says there’s nobody that can hold a candle to him. That’s fairly true, for the most part. A few exceptions.
-We get security footage of Heyman and Lesnar going into WWE Headquarters, and causing chaos.
-Paul Heyman is live via satellite and we get full footage of he and Brock Lesnar at WWE Headquarters. They walk in through the front door, rip on stuff in the lobby and bully their way into the elevator en route to the 4th Floor. Heyman is whistling while Lesnar glares at some schmuck in the elevator. As they’re walking the hallways, Heyman notes to Brock that there’s no posters of him. They get to Triple H’s office, and Brock roughs up some stiff at the front door of the office. Brock goes into the office. Triple H should have a bigger desk dammit. Brock grabs a belt off his shelf and puts his feet on the desk. Brock starts breaking everything on the desk, including both computers. He grabs a sledgehammer off the wall and destroys Triple H’s desk. Paul is ripping Stephanie at every turn too. This obviously isn’t his real office. His office wouldn’t have crappy sheet rock walls. Back to Heyman, who says he is the voice of reason. He says when Brock decides to create destruction, Heyman pleads to stop and consider the consequences. Paul will start encouraging Brock to create havoc. Heyman picks up the destroyed World Title belt from the office and puts it over his shoulder. As Paul is going, Motorhead cranks and out comes THE GAME. Triple H rips Paul’s hair (or lack thereof). Triple H thinks this is all crap. HHH knows extreme, remember DX? Remember tearing through the Attitude Era? Remember knocking out Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania? It’s also a bunch of crap that they thought he’d be in the office on a Monday? Hunter says he has two offices. The one he tore up, and the one he’s standing in with the great view of the WWE Universe. He says this office is his home. He tells Paul that he’s not hard to find. In the office we call a ring, we fight back. Finally some build for this match.
MATCH: AJ & The Bellas vs, Kaitlyn & Funkadactyls
-I refuse to waste words on this match at all. Kaitlyn spears AJ for the win. The Bellas didn’t job. What a shock.
-Mark Henry comes out, and he says Sheamus will come out shortly and do all his normal stuff to act tough. Henry says he doesn’t act tough, because he is tough. He calls the crowd “puppets” for doing all the WHAT chants during his promo. We then get clips from all the Henry-Sheamus run ins the past few weeks. Henry lays down a challenge with Sheamus for Extreme Rules. He says its been a long time since he’s gotten extreme. He promises Sheamus that people will remember this match. In mid-sentence out comes Sheamus. He shows the other half of the story, and that’s the Tug of War/Arm Wrestling mess. They jabber back and forth, but the gist of it is they’ll fight at Extreme Rules. They actually look like they’ll start to throw down, when out comes Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett. He’s taking Sheamus on right now.
MATCH: Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus
-Mark Henry goes to the booth and tells Michael Cole to shut up. Sheamus fakes Henry out by pretending to throw Barrett into him, which makes Henry flinch and fall down. When he gets up, Sheamus Brogue kicks him to the ground. Barrett should win this match, but he’s not going to because this company has its head up its ass. Oh sorry, its arse. Barrett goes for the Bull Hammer, but Sheamus hits White Noise and the Brogue Kick for the win. Yawn.
-Right after the match, Henry gets in the ring and starts whipping Sheamus with a belt. I’m in such a foul mood because of this shitty show, I don’t even care. And I like both these guys. He hits the WSS on the floor.
MATCH: Ryback vs. Kane
-In what was a fairly quck match, Ryback dispatches Kane with Shell Shock.
-The Shield try to invade, but Daniel Bryan comes to help Kane. Ryback went to the sidelines. Cena comes out to help. Ryback comes in with a steel chair. Team Hell No leaves the ring with the Shield. Ryback then belts Cena with the steel chair. With that we’re thankfully out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: I miss CM Punk.
SCOTT’S Raw Top 5:
1) John Cena
3) Wade Barrett
5) Team Hell No